We’ve all had one of those days… First, one thing goes wrong, then another, then something else. Before you know it, you’re frustrated, getting angry and feel like you’re losing control. While bad days are a fact of life for everyone, you don’t have to let anger take over. Learning how to let things go and change your reactions when situations create intense feelings of anger or frustration is one of the best things you can do for your family, your relationships and yourself. Here are some tips to help you start managing anger and take back your life.
Why Anger Happens and Why It Can Be Harmful
Anger (and anxiety!) are natural human responses to a perceived threat. Angry or anxious feelings are normal when you are threatened, hurt or simply frustrated at the injustices of the world. Anger can be a healthy emotion that lets you know something needs to change. It can be because something feels unfair, aggressive or even when peoples’ priorities or goals are not in alignment. For example, if you find yourself getting angry at your boss weekly, it could be a sign to consider it’s time to start looking for a new job. But constant anger over little things or uncontrolled rage can damage your own physical and emotional health, as well as harm those around you—even if you never resort to physical violence.
Anger creates both a physiological response in your body, as well as a mental one. You might tense up, your heart starts beating faster and stress hormones surge. This “fight or flight” response is how your body responds when in danger. But if you’re constantly angry and not in immediate peril, that continuous stress response damages your body. Chronic anger can raise your blood pressure, increase your risk of heart disease and even cause insomnia, headaches, digestive problems, and eczema or other skin flare-ups.
Short-Term Strategies to Manage Anger
When something makes you mad, there are several things you can do to quickly diffuse your anger.
- Breathe. Deep breathing will slow your heart rate and help you feel calmer. When we are in a state of stress, our heart rate goes up and our breathing becomes more shallow. Deliberate deep breaths help tell your brain to relax.
- Chill out. Splashing cold water on your face or jumping in a cold shower stimulates your vagus nerve and promotes stress relief.
- Pause. Is this really a situation in which you need to express your feelings? Before you hit “send” on that angry email, take a step back, go outside, walk around the block—whatever you need to do to pause for a minute before reacting.
- Talk it out. It’s all too easy to jump to conclusions and assume the worst. Before you do, ask the person you’re mad at if they can help clarify their message.
- Write it down or journal. Writing or journaling what you are experiencing can help you to process strong emotions and convert feelings into words. It also gives you a moment to shift from an emotional to a logical framework.
- Work it out. So mad you could scream? Channel that frustration into a long workout, walk or choose another physical activity. Exercise lowers stress hormones and can boost endorphins.
Anger issues do not have to lead to aggressive behavior, and violence is never an acceptable strategy to manage anger—even if you are punching a wall and not another person. If you are experiencing chronic feelings of anger or outbursts, connecting with a healthcare professional or psychotherapist can help. If you are experiencing domestic violence, reach out to a trusted medical provider, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or text “START” to 88788.
Lifestyle Changes May Help
Learning to control your temper is a process that won’t happen overnight. But no matter how much anger you have, you can learn to let it go. Here’s how to get started:
- Get healthy. Regular exercise, eating a healthy diet and getting enough sleep every night promote physical and mental health. If you feel better, you’re more likely to let the little things slide.
- Keep an anger journal. Tracking the instances when you feel anger flaring up can help you identify triggers and learn how to avoid or cope with them.
- Learn to manage expectations. There’s a saying, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” If you regularly expect things from people you know can’t provide them, you’re setting yourself up for anger. Instead, meet people where they are. If you know your teen isn’t going to clean their room or your friend is always going to be late for brunch, don’t let yourself get upset when the inevitable happens.
- Meditate. A daily meditation practice can help you cultivate stillness and find emotional balance. If you can’t sit still, try yoga. Meditation can also help you accept things beyond your control.
- Put down your drink. Alcohol doesn’t make everyone angry, but it often heightens emotions in a negative way.
- Put down your phone (or laptop or tablet). Getting mad online about the news or other people’s social media posts won’t make you feel better, and that rage can spill over into your offline life. Read a book or pick up a hobby instead.
- Work on your communication skills. Learning to prevent miscommunication before it happens can benefit everyone. Notice your communication style and the styles of those around you. Try to separate emotions from facts and remain solution-focused.
There Is Help to Manage Anger
While some people can learn to manage their temper with time and patience, others may benefit from professional help. In many people, anger can be a learned trauma response from childhood, and it may take deep work on yourself to learn how to process your emotions in a healthy manner. Sometimes, unresolved historical grief or trauma translates into more intense feelings of today. If you’re struggling with anger you can’t control, cognitive behavioral therapy can help you learn new anger management techniques and coping skills. Therapy can also help you address the root causes of chronic intense emotions that get in the way of balanced living, including unresolved trauma, anxiety, PTSD or depression.
Medically reviewed by Rachael D. Wallace, LCSW-C, Clinical Director, UMSOM Department of Psychiatry, P.A. Need additional support? Reach out to the UMMC Department of Psychiatry’s dedicated team of mental health providers for expert support on your journey.
