Whether someone you care about has been diagnosed with cancer for the first time or is dealing with a recurrence of the disease, they need a support team around them. Living with cancer can be physically and emotionally draining. At times, side effects of treatment may rob your loved one of energy to run errands or perform simple chores at home. They may also feel sad, angry, fearful or frustrated.
With your help, however, a person with cancer may be better able to cope. Your emotional support can boost their mood and help them better adapt to the disruptions of living with a serious disease. On a practical level, you can save them time and energy by picking up groceries or driving them to doctor appointments. You don’t have to be a perfect cancer caregiver, just a sincere and supportive one. Here’s how.
1. Understand Your Role as a Cancer Caregiver
Cancer caregivers aren’t just spouses or partners. They’re also family members, friends or anyone who frequently helps a person with cancer. Importantly, a cancer caregiver is part of the cancer care team, along with the patient, medical providers, and family and friends. This means you, like the patient, have a network of support.
Caregiving looks different for every patient, depending on their abilities, wishes and needs. As you seek to define your role as a cancer caregiver, take your cue from your loved one. A patient with cancer may need help with daily tasks, keeping track of medical information, someone to talk to—or something else. Do your best to meet their greatest need first.
2. Listen First
Sometimes, what a loved one with cancer needs most is a listening ear. They may need someone to listen as they talk through complex emotions or try to make sense of how their life has changed because of cancer. Listening may be the most important thing you can do as a cancer caregiver.
Don’t press your loved one to talk about their cancer diagnosis, mental health or other topics you may think they should open up about. Instead, let them talk about whatever they want, and be sure you truly listen. Offer your input or opinion, if asked, but always start by listening.
3. Stay Connected—and Help Build Connections
Living with cancer can be lonely, especially if your loved one doesn’t feel like going out or if calls and visits from friends or family members trail off. Cancer caregivers can help combat feelings of isolation. You can:
- Arrange a get-together with some of your loved one’s closest friends.
- Make frequent in-person visits (just be sure to call first).
- Offer a hug, handshake or a comforting touch of the arm.
- Schedule regular calls or video visits.
- Write letters or send cards.
You can also help your loved one find support groups so they can meet people who truly understand the journey and will share tips for coping in a supportive environment.
4. Be Both Cancer Caregiver and Point Person
For a person with cancer, keeping friends, coworkers, other caregivers and family members informed about how they’re doing can be exhausting. With your loved one’s permission, you can help relieve the burden.
Offer to send emails or text messages or make phone calls to update the important people in your loved one’s life about their condition. Caregivers and patients may also find that the website Caringbridge.org is a helpful way to keep their family, friends and network up to date without numerous phone calls, emails and texts. It’s a great way to organize extra help when it’s needed, too.
If your loved one gives the green light to send updates, respect their privacy and ensure you only share what they’d like you to disclose.
5. Do Fun Things Together
Moments of fun and joy can lift the spirits of people with cancer, as can having something to look forward to. Here are some ideas for bringing light into your loved one’s life:
- Ask them to name a favorite food they’ve been missing and then make or order it for them.
- Go for walks together.
- Make regular dates to have lunch, watch a favorite show or just sit and knit together.
- Plan a special outing to one of their favorite local spots, such as a museum, restaurant or park.
- Play board games or work on arts and crafts together.
Keeping a patient with cancer happy isn’t always possible, and happiness means something different to everyone. By doing fun things together, though, you can give your loved one memorable moments.
6. Take On Small Tasks That Can Have a Big Impact
Don’t underestimate the value of practical support. Life doesn’t stop for cancer, and your loved one still has housework to complete, bills to pay and errands to run. These daily tasks can feel overwhelming when dealing with a serious disease.
As a cancer caregiver, you can remove some of the strain by offering to complete chores as simple as washing dishes, vacuuming or shopping for groceries. You can also help your loved one access the range of community support services that may be available to them in addition to what they receive from their medical team. Research and help connect them with additional resources, such as support services for hair loss, transportation or financial assistance.
7. Give Yourself Grace and Care as a Cancer Caregiver
Being a cancer caregiver can take a toll on your physical and mental health, especially if you take on too much or overlook your own feelings of sadness or worry in order to appear strong and supportive. Remember, you’re one member of a care team. Don’t hesitate to ask for help from friends, family or other members of the team if caregiving starts to feel overwhelming.
Most importantly, make time to attend to your own health so you can continue to show up for your loved one with cancer. Research shows that people who are stressed or neglect their own needs during caregiving are more likely to develop their own mental or physical health challenges later. Keep your own medical appointments, maintain connections with friends and make time to relax each day to relieve stress.
There will be some tough days during the caregiving process, and even the most well-meaning, caring person can “put their foot in their mouth” or be perceived as nagging or hovering by the one they love. Friends or family members with differing approaches can strain relationships and the balance of responsibility in the family. It’s normal for a caregiver to wish they had someone to talk to about the challenges they face, too.
Consider joining a support group for caregivers to find a community of people who understand the stresses and rewards of caregiving. A support group for caregivers allows you to unload your burdens in a safe space, consider others’ perspectives on frustrating situations and support your own self-care.
Watch an Interview
Beyond the doctor’s office, cancer presents emotional and social challenges that can feel overwhelming. In this episode, we explore the human side of cancer with Patsy Astarita, LCSW-C, OSW-C, APHSW-C, director of oncology integrated health at UM Upper Chesapeake Health, who shares insights on managing stress, building support systems and finding hope throughout the journey. Watch the YouTube interview below or download the audio-only version on our website.
More to Read
- A Guide to Self-Care for Caregivers
- Calming Tips to Prepare for a Stressful Day
- Mindfulness Activities for Stress Management
- How to Reduce the Stress in Your Life
- Guided Meditation: A Daily Exercise to Reduce the Stress, Anxiety, and Depression in Your Life
- Cancer Survivorship Support and Options
Medically reviewed by Patricia (Patty) Plaskon, PhD, LCSW-C, OSW-C, APHSW-C, Outpatient Oncology Social Work Coordinator, UM Shore Regional Cancer Program.
