Help Your Child Deal with Bullying

Deborah Badawi, MD, developmental-behavioral pediatrician at the University of Maryland Medical System, has insight into why kids bully one another — and how you can help try to improve things.

Why Do Children Bully Each Other?

Children come from very different social and economic backgrounds. They grow at different rates and have different abilities. When children perceive that they’re in a position of power over others, it creates the conditions for bullying, Dr. Badawi said. 

“A child’s negative thoughts and attitudes about others, as well as their ability to understand another person’s perspective and demonstrate empathy, impact whether they will bully,” Dr. Badawi said. “Bullies also tend to have negative perceptions of themselves.”

When kids have negative relationships between one another or conflict at home, those pressures can come out through bullying.

The Warning Signs of Bullying

To identify warning signs of bullying, understand who is at risk. The most likely targets are children who are different from their peers, such as those with chronic illnesses that affect their appearance, those with disabilities, children from minority cultures or those who are LGBTQ+. 

Warning signs of bullying include: 

• Avoiding school
• A drop in grades
• Bed-wetting
• Changes in body language 
• Insomnia
• New fears
• Suddenly having frequent trips to the school nurse 
• Symptoms of irritability, depression or thinking about suicide

If your child seems depressed or talks about suicidal thoughts, seek psychiatric care right away.

Cyberbullying vs. In-Person Bullying

Cyberbullying refers to aggressive messages sent through email, social media apps or text messages.

“Unlike avoiding certain areas at school or the bus, cyberbullying is unavoidable without completely ‘unplugging,’ but even then, the messages are still present for others to see,” Dr. Badawi said. “The bully can also hide behind the screen and not have to confront their victim, which makes bullying much easier than if they were in person.” 

The warning signs of cyberbullying are the same as what you might see with in-person bullying, but they may be broader. For instance, instead of avoiding certain classes at school, children may try to avoid school altogether. They may also withdraw more than they would with in-person bullying because of the broader audience in cyberbullying.

How Kids Can Deal With Bullying

Dr. Badawi, along with Charina Reyes, MD, developmental-behavioral pediatrician and Kathleen Kane, PsyD, psychologist, put together a toolkit for kids to help deal with bullying. 

Here’s a checklist to discuss with your children if they experience bullying:

Find your allies.

Seek a trusted friend or two to spend time with at school so that bullies don’t see you alone. Bullies who see someone alone may think they are an easier target than those with a friend or friends nearby. One way to make friends is to join a club or group at school so you can meet others with similar interests. A trusted friend can also help you feel safe and more confident at school. If you see someone else getting bullied, even if you don’t know them, you can show them kindness or ask if they need help from an adult. 

Identify trusted adults to go to for help.

Don’t feel like you must deal with bullying alone. Adults can help you figure out what to do, whether it’s a parent, aunt, teacher, tutor, guidance counselor or other school staff person. You may even learn that they have gone through similar experiences in the past.

Know the difference between what can and cannot be ignored.

There may be some rude or annoying comments that are okay to ignore or even respond to with humor. For something more serious, it would be best to calmly and directly tell the bully to stop or leave you alone. If you don’t feel safe doing that, walk away and go to an adult for help. As much as you can, try to stay calm. Expressing big emotions may only make the bullying worse.

Remember that this is not your fault.

No one deserves to be bullied, and the person who is bullying has likely been bullied by someone else. It doesn’t make it okay, but it may help you realize that bullying reflects more about the person doing it than it does you. 

Use coping skills to deal with complicated feelings.

If you feel hurt by bullying, take care of yourself by doing the activities that you enjoy or help you feel calm. These activities may include playing with friends or siblings, going for a walk, creating artwork, writing down how you are feeling, or talking to someone you trust. It can help to take slow, deep breaths. It’s also good to learn about mindfulness. You can improve your mood by exercising, eating balanced meals, staying hydrated, and sleeping well, especially during stressful times. 

Bully Prevention

There are certain steps your child can take to protect themselves from bullying, whether it’s electronic or in person.

“Talk to your kids about what they can do in case they are ever bullied, especially for children before they start using social media,” Dr. Badawi said. “Discuss safety issues with posting and messaging others online. This is known as good ‘digital citizenship skills’ and can help kids feel more competent in handling challenges when they arise.”

If you are interested in having a school safety committee or violence prevention program developed at your child’s school, speak with a school administrator. According to Dr. Badawi, helping prevent other students from being bullied can be empowering for kids and help build their confidence.

Medically reviewed by Deborah Badawi, MD.