After a screening test detects abnormal cells that might be cancer, you will likely have many intense, conflicting emotions. As you sort through these new feelings about living with cancer, you may wonder how to share your cancer diagnosis with people in your life. Whom do you tell, and how much do you share with them?
Address Your Own Feelings About Cancer
You are likely already stressed after undergoing imaging tests, physical exams or CT scans. As you receive news from your oncologist, you may feel in shock, raw and deeply upset—especially if your cancer has spread or come back. It’s hard to know where to begin after receiving what can be life-altering news. For many people, talking with a trusted health provider about treatment options, next steps and what to expect can help. Much of living with cancer means learning to live with the unknown of what the future may hold.
Before turning to others for support and help, it’s vital to examine your own complicated emotions about a cancer diagnosis. Many people suddenly have big questions as they begin cancer treatment or explore their options. How will my life be affected? Will I still be able to do the things I love while undergoing treatment? What kind of treatment do I need? What are the goals of my care? Will I be able to keep working? How will I manage time and being with my family, children, spouse and friends?
Questions for your health care provider following advanced cancer diagnosis might focus more on what your care team and family members can control:
- Who will make decisions about your care?
- How much do you want to know about your cancer?
- What are your pain control options?
- How much do your family members want to know about your cancer?
As with any new diagnosis, write down your questions and feelings as they arise. Many people with cancer feel angry, sad or overwhelmed with emotion. Your oncology team may recommend talking with a therapist or support group to connect with others who understand your experience during this difficult time.
Telling Others About Your Diagnosis
Sometimes sharing news with our loved ones can be more challenging than telling friends, neighbors and coworkers—especially considering the impact your cancer diagnosis will have on your family.
It’s vital to share your diagnosis with your spouse and closest family members first. Partners, spouses and close family members can serve as advocates and offer support during challenging treatments. Similarly, your family or friends may bring up important questions for you to share with your medical providers.
Set a plan for sharing your diagnosis with children or other close family members. Adult children may be part of the decision-making process for care, while young children and teenagers need to hear information in a clear, simple manner. The American Cancer Society has patient resources for sharing a diagnosis with children.
Most importantly, decide with whom you’ll share information and how much you want to share. You may decide to have your spouse or another family member share your diagnosis with acquaintances or people you see less often.
If you’re working, it’s likely you will need to share certain details with your employer, whether a supervisor or human resources manager, to accommodate medical needs and appointments. Some people choose to tell colleagues with a brief, planned statement with basic information so their co-workers learn at the same time.
Consider appointing a family member to serve as the “spokesperson” for you. Certain websites, such as CaringBridge, help families share updates about a person’s medical or treatment status with a private, select community. A newsletter-style format streamlines communications and lets others support a cancer care journey in one location.
How Do You Ask for Help Living with Cancer?
Sharing your diagnosis with your closest friends and family brings on its own set of challenges. While it may feel like a relief to share the burden, there are so many unknowns living with cancer and navigating the cancer care journey. Your loved ones may share similar fears and concerns about the diagnosis. They may feel helplessness, shock or confusion when you share your diagnosis.
A therapist, social worker or mental health expert can serve as a sounding board for not just living with cancer but also how you share your diagnosis and treatment with others.
Many people in your life will ask how they can help you through treatment. These questions may be uncomfortable for many reasons. You may want privacy, you may have more help than you can handle already, or you may not know what you need. It’s OK to say you don’t know what kind of help you need yet. You may suggest rides to appointments, cleaning, childcare, grocery shopping or yard work.
Talk with your partner, therapist, or a close family member or friend to plan for some of these scenarios and know how you want to respond.
When You Don’t Want to Share Your Diagnosis
A cancer diagnosis often makes people curious to ask questions, often overly personal ones. As someone living with cancer, there may be times you simply don’t want to discuss your private health matters, hear about someone else’s cancer experience or field questions about sensitive information.
Develop phrases for shutting down these conversations before they happen. To let someone know you don’t want to share personal information, you might say, “I appreciate your concern. I’d rather not go into details.”
Expect that people, including strangers, will give you unsolicited advice, questions and input. To be prepared for these situations, know which topics cause you stress and have a response in mind.
Open up to a Trusted Person
Most importantly, share your feelings and experiences about living with cancer with someone else, whether it’s a loved one or mental health professional. Stay in tune with your own needs for expressing your concerns. There’s no right or wrong way to manage your interactions with others during cancer treatment.
A cancer support group is a great, safe place to ask other cancer patients how they handled sharing the news or telling an employer, or even how to keep the news private. Many cancer centers offer live or virtual support groups. Ask your provider or an oncology social worker how to connect with them.
University of Maryland Medical System cancer centers offer cancer support groups throughout Maryland, including:
- UM Baltimore Washington Medical Center Tate Cancer Center
- UM Marlene and Stewart Greenebaum Comprehensive Cancer Center
- UM St. Joseph Medical Center Cancer Institute
- UM Upper Chesapeake Health LifeNet Support Services
- UM Shore Regional Health CARES Program
If you can, keep life and daily routines as normal as possible as you undergo treatment. It will help family members of all ages adjust to life with a cancer diagnosis.
More to Read
- Caring for Your Mental Health When You Have Cancer
- How Exercise Helps Breast Cancer Prevention and Recovery
- Coping with Cancer Recurrence
- Lymphedema: A Common Cancer Treatment Side Effect
Medically reviewed by Patricia Plaskon, PhD, LCSW-C, OSW-C, APHSW-C, Outpatient Oncology Social Work Coordinator, UM Shore Regional Cancer Program
