From time to time, we all must have a difficult conversation with a family member. Whether it’s about the dishes in the sink or finances, a whole range of topics can lead to uncomfortable feelings. However, putting off conflict can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
When it comes time to discuss what matters, here are 10 tips for handling difficult conversations with family.
1. Prepare.
When you decide to approach a family member about a difficult subject, prepare ahead of time to ensure a positive outcome. Keep expectations modest and set realistic goals to keep the conversation on track. Consider past conversations you’ve had with your family member. What worked and what did not? Develop a strategy based on past knowledge, and you’re well on your way to achieving resolution.
2. Expect a positive outcome.
When preparing for a difficult conversation, adopt a positive mentality. If you go into a conflict thinking it will be a failure, it will often not go your way. Instead, tell yourself that, though the conversation will be difficult, it will result in an improved relationship between you and your family member.
3. Set a time and place.
We all live busy lives, and sometimes it’s best to set a time and place for a difficult conversation so that all parties involved can devote equal attention. Choose somewhere quiet and free from distraction, whether that’s in your living room or a local park. Also, pick a time when everyone can give the conversation their undivided attention.
4. Set a time limit.
Setting a time limit can help keep your difficult conversation productive. Keep the conversation to no more than one hour. Schedule another session to continue the conversation if you need to do so.
If children are involved, a shorter time span may help them remain more engaged than they would in an hour-long exploration.
5. Set some ground rules.
Shared ground rules will go a long way toward establishing a positive connection between you and your family members. Certain rules like no interrupting, no shouting and no personal attacks can help keep heated discussions from becoming, well, overheated.
6. Bring up the issue.
Be sure to approach the topic at hand with a sense of openness—attempt to learn and collaborate in the spirit of finding a common solution. There’s nothing wrong with airing your grievances in this space, but watch your language and make sure you are being clear without being accusatory.
7. When someone is speaking, listen.
Many people will spend time during a difficult conversation constructing their next statement as opposed to listening. Take the pressure off yourself. You don’t actually need to talk that much during a difficult conversation. Instead, focus on listening, reflecting and observing.
8. Examine your assumptions.
When your family member says something that angers or upsets you, have the self-awareness to take a step back, repeat what your family member said to you, and clarify its meaning.
Use an “I” message to address your concerns effectively: “I feel upset when you say that. It makes me feel like I am not smart enough to understand your feelings…is this truly what you mean?” Statements like these lead to greater understanding between you and your family member.
9. Be OK with being wrong.
Approach your difficult conversation with the mindset that your point of view isn’t the only correct perspective on the situation, and that you may actually learn something if you admit wrongdoing. Although it may sting in the moment, it can lead to a deeper understanding between you and your family member.
10. Wrap it up.
When the time comes to end the conversation, be sure to conduct a conversation summary. Where did you develop practical solutions, and where did you decide it was better to agree to disagree? Be sure to thank your family member for taking the time to have the discussion, even if it did not turn out as planned, and say that you love them.
Nobody enjoys bringing up difficult subjects with family, but being able to do so productively can help you build relationships while managing differences effectively. With time and practice, anyone can employ the above techniques and confront challenging topics head-on. As you practice honesty and develop shared problem-solving techniques, the stronger your connection with your family member will be.
